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Archived Story

New words bring new meaning to carols [UPDATED]

Published 9:29am Thursday, December 13, 2012 Updated 11:31am Thursday, December 13, 2012

I love holiday music. When I hear the melody of “Silent Night” or “Jingle Bells,” I can’t help but join in. Fortunately, I know the words to just about every Christmas song ever written. Unfortunately, not many people love hearing me sing them. I’m not gifted in that regard.

The music of the season has a special magic to it. We hear it for a short time each year and it sticks with us. It’s amazing how many songs we know — by heart — from hearing them over and over through the decades. The words etch themselves permanently within us.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack frost nipping at your nose. All is calm; all is bright. Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh. A partridge in a pear tree.

I’ve wondered, what does it mean, exactly, to troll the ancient yuletide carol? When we don gay apparel, does that mean the clothing itself is happy, or wearing it makes us happy? For that matter, how does one make the yuletide gay? What sort of reindeer games did Rudolf not get to play? Who was mommy really kissing under the mistletoe last night?

I don’t purport to possess all the answers to these caroling questions, but I do have a new twist to the season. Don’t worry; I’m not planning to sing. I merely took creative liberties with the wording to a few perennial favorites. Just for fun.

Sung to the tune (either on key or off) of “Joy to the World,” “Deck the Halls” and “White Christmas.” Try ‘em out at your family get-together this year. Enjoy.

 

Joy to the World

Joy to the world Black Friday has passed

The shopping season grows

Let every tree be filled with stash

And packages topped with bows

And packages topped with bows

And packages, more packages topped with bows.

Joy to the world the credit card reigns

Let’s all our plastic employ

While charging to the max, credit limit strains

But you’re spreading so much joy

But you’re spreading so much joy

But you’re spreading, spreading so darn much joy.

 

Don’t worry now, about the bills

Or minimum payment amount

Christmas is all about the thrills

And charging to your account

And charging to your account

And charging, yes charging to your account.

 

Electronics rule the world, in gigabyte glory

Found at your local mall

But games and apps can’t tell the story

Of the greatest gift of all

Of the greatest gift of all

Of the greatest, most worthy gift of all!

 

Deck the Halls

Hit the mall and bring your plastic (Fa la la la la, la la la la)

Finding gifts is so fantastic (Fa la la la…)

Stopping by at Bath and Body (Fa la la la…)

Victoria’s Secret for your hottie (Fa la la la…).

 

See amazing deals before us (Fa la la la…)

Macy’s, Nordstrom, Neiman Marcus (Fa la la la…)

Spending adds to festive cheer (Fa la la la…)

Swipe your card and pay next year (Fa la la la…).

 

Follow me through Abercrombie (Fa la la la…)

Santa looks like he’s a zombie (Fa la la la…)

From our wallets cash it passes (Fa la la la…)

Celebrating with the masses (Fa la la la…).

 

Mailing out your family letter (Fa la la la…)

While complaining ’bout the weather (Fa la la la…)

Sing we joyous all together (Fa la la la…)

In an ugly Christmas sweater (Fa la la la…)!

 

White Christmas

I’m dreaming of an unplugged Christmas

Like all the Christmases of old

Where we’d sit and babble

Play a game of Scrabble

And no iPads were bought or sold.

 

I’m dreaming of an unplugged Christmas

Just like our Christmas used to be

Grandpa read from the good book

There was no Kindle or Nook

And the only thing glowing was the tree.

 

I’m dreaming of an unplugged Christmas

Like back when Google was hardly a word

Frosty was a new guy

There was no WiFi

No one texted, and tweets came from a bird.

 

I’m dreaming of an unplugged Christmas

Just like the ones we used to know

May your holidays be filled with love and cheer

And may you have a wonder-filled New Year.

 

Follow Slices of Life on Facebook and hit Like (please). Jill Pertler is an award-winning syndicated columnist, playwright and author of “The Do-It-Yourselfer’s Guide to Self-Syndication” Email her at pertmn@qwest.net

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