New scents could save marriages

By Dave Churchill (Contact) | The Daily Journal

Published Friday, December 15, 2006

Fergus Falls, MN — Simple and pleasant, the happy scent of flowers, herbs and spices drifts through the house lightening hearts and washing cares away.

Or so they — the cabal of potpourri manufacturers and users — would have us believe.

The truth is far less pleasant. Potpourri — whether the dried stuff nestled in a living room bowl or the sort heated in a saucepan of water on the kitchen stove — is a source of serious domestic strife.

For every person who loves potpourri, there’s another who hates it and sees it as an invasion of his (or her) living space. The problem only worsens now because, as winter tightens its grip, homes are sealed against the elements and fresh air becomes a rare commodity. For those who don’t relish potpourri, even the opportunity to escape outdoors is limited.

That potpourri is not cited more often in police reports as the cause of domestic disputes is a testimony to the good nature of most families.

But really there is no need for such strife. Ever on the alert for ways to serve humanity, I’ve carefully considered the potpourri problem and come up with an answer: More variety.

Let’s face it, existing potpourri all seems to have some kind of leafy, fruity or flowery scent. What’s lacking are smells that are pleasant to those who don’t particularly like leaves, fruit and flowers. That this mostly seems to be men is, I’m sure, entirely coincidental.

Garage-smell, for instance, is something lots of people like. There’s nothing like that wash of gasoline, oil, fertilizer and grass seed that rushes from the garage when the door is thrown open on a warm spring day. It ought to be pretty easy to mix up some oil and gas and maybe throw in some grass clippings and make it into a very nice potpourri (although one that should definitely NOT be warmed on the stove).

That really clean smell of a freshly washed kitchen or laundry fresh from the machine also is very appealing. Yes, I know that many of you feel that you get enough of those smells from daily cleaning the kitchen and doing laundry, but others are not so privileged. For them (or should I say “us?”) we need some kind of bleach potpourri. Again, it wouldn’t be hard to make. Whatever mega-company makes Clorox could probably come up with some new name, a marketing campaign, and make a ton of money with this idea. Again, it is probably best not to heat it on the stove or leave it where animals and small children could be overpowered by the fumes.

Leather smells nice, and could easily be made into potpourri. Scraps from shoe or coat manufacturers could be recycled into a mixture that would be warmed on the stove.

Outdoor-type sporting activities offer a rich potpourri field, too. A few fish scales, some pork-rind baits and a little lake water would make any house smell like a fishing boat.

Or how about gunpowder potpourri (again, do not heat this on the stove)? Or, even better, perhaps some kind of gunpowder-and-deer-scent-lure mixture? Ah, what a fine reminder of our hunting heritage.

Another pungent — but oddly pleasant — smell is the old school-days odor of ditto fluid. How those blue-type reproductions were manufactured is a mystery known only to school secretaries and some goody-goody kids who got to help. But they smelled great, especially compared to today’s bland, odorless photocopies. Ditto fluid potpourri would be perfect for those late summer days as school draws near. This is another one, though, that probably shouldn’t be warmed on the stove.

Food also offers fertile ground for potpourri — perhaps the most fertile of all. I’m aware that commercial mixtures are already available to mimic the scent of fresh bread, cookies, etc. But the meat category seems to be neglected. Perhaps it is time for pot roast potpourri. It could be heated in the oven, as could roasted-chicken potpourri.

But best of all, consider bacon potpourri. Seems like it would be easy to make up some kind of deal like those bacon bits used on salads, but instead aimed at filling the house with the scent of cooking bacon. Bacon smell lingers a long time, so it would give that fresh, top-of-the-morning feeling to your house for hours and hours. It could probably be heated on the stove.

These are, of course, only a few rough ideas. My hope in offering them is that one of you will spring into action, perhaps thereby finding your fortune and offering a solution to a world problem at the same time.

Journal publisher Dave Churchill’s column runs on Fridays.