Sheet solution solves multiple problems

By Dave Churchill (Contact) | The Daily Journal

Published Friday, January 5, 2007

Our pioneer ancestors suffered through a lot that we just wouldn’t tolerate.

Dirt? No thanks. Mumps and measles? No way. Outdoor plumbing? Forget about it.

Yet one pioneer problem that we should have left behind has returned to trouble us. Or, at any rate, to trouble me. I refer here to the agony of crushingly heavy and impractical comforters.

Pioneers did not know any better, so they kept themselves warm at night using buffalo robes, bear skins and the like (assuming they were lucky enough to have them). Can you imagine how heavy those so-called blankets were? It seems quite possible that some frail, sickly old pioneers literally smothered to death because their chests could not lift the weight of one of those buffalo robes.

Yet while we would not go back to using outhouses, bedroom fashions have reverted to something nearly as bad — the gigantically thick and heavy comforter. In a society where we build beds whose softness can be adjusted at the push of a button, can we not do better than making the high-tech bed with a six-inch-thick comforter as the primary insulator?

I have been crushed by comforters in guest bedrooms and hotels across the land, and at home I face the same challenge, as do millions of Americans. But many have never really thought about the problem and, I suspect, get as a result less sleep than they deserve.

Because, of course, it is not just the weight of the comforter that is unpleasant. It is the inefficiency. Comforters only allow two temperatures: Too hot and too cold. Those who seek some temperature in between can use only the “stick a leg out” method, which is neither comfortable or conducive to good sleep. It makes for a lot of thrashing around.

What I propose as an alternative is this: Make up beds with 15 top sheets.

Yes, 15 sheets.

Just think about it: Fifteen layers provide 15 degrees of warmth, meaning there will be a perfect combination for every temperature and condition.

This is the same system that we use when working outdoors — lots of layers. Except, in this case, we will not need a layer of Gore-Tex water repellent fabric (I hope).

The 15-sheet system also has big sanitary advantages because, let’s be honest here, these comforters are not getting hauled downstairs or to the Laundromat to get washed every week. Probably not even every month. And for anyone unfortunate enough to stay in a hotel with thick comforters, it’s a safe be they have not been washed at all in recent memory.

With 15 sheets, just toss the bottom one in the wash every week, then layer it back on top. Each sheet will get washed every 15 weeks – far better than the average for comforters.

There are also huge decorating opportunities. For those who enjoy matching up comforters and blankets and annoying little pillows, there will be a lot of new fun in coordinating 15 sheets. It will certainly be a boon to retail sales.

My hope is that a designer on one of those home make-over shows — “Trading Basements,” “Flip Over This House,” etc. —will pick up the idea and run with it. Next thing you know, beds will be better all over America.

But first I need someone to “road test” this idea. I am unable to do so myself for a couple of reasons.

First, we do not have 14 extra sheets at our house and, after a brief survey, I learned that no one is willing to give up the sheets now in use on their bed. Second, despite a lengthy explanation, my wife is adamantly opposed to the idea. The best I could get was, “Do what you want with your side of the bed.” But because this was uttered in a tone that means, “You’re on thin ice, dear,” I have chosen not to proceed.

My hope is that one of you, dear readers, will share my concern over the comforter problem, try out the 15 sheets (or maybe even 11 sheets) solution, and let me know the result. I am keeping my fingers crossed.