‘Pirates’ going downhill fast

By Dave Churchill (Contact) | The Daily Journal

Published Friday, June 22, 2007

Dave Churchill

I should have known better. When my Johnny Depp-obsessed teenage daughter only goes to the latest “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie twice and, indeed, blatantly turns down a chance to see it a third time, how good can the film be?

Not all that good, it turns out.

So my trip to the theatre to see “Pirates” last weekend was yet another reminder that I am a slow learner. After all, how many sequels have lived up to the success of their predecessors? How many franchise movies are still going strong by the third outing?

Not many.

This latest installment of the “Pirates” franchise features all the characters who had made it a sensation in previous years: The quirky Depp as Capt. Jack Sparrow, elven Orlando Bloom and a huge supporting cast of odd, funny and nasty-looking bit players.

The trouble is that none of these characters have developed even one iota since midway through the second “Pirates” movie. OK, we know now that Jack Sparrow is a loony, that the Bloom character wants to save his famous pirate father, and that there’s some sort of weird struggle going on for the affections of the female lead.

But, really, we knew all that in the first movie and it was confirmed in the second. Beating us over the head with it in the third is just adding insult to injury.

For those who simply want to see a lot of sword-play, cannon blasts, explosions, ships sinking into and rising from the sea, this movie might be entertaining. For those who want an actual plot, not so much.

Perhaps the only drift from the basic “Pirates” formula is the bizarre appearance of Jack Sparrow’s alter ego – or multiple-egos. In several scenes, duplicate Jacks appear to advise or cavort with the original. In one scene, there is a ship full of them.

Viewers may be left scratching their heads over the significance of this. Since — as previously mentioned —we already know that Jack is nuts, throwing these extra Jacks into the fray doesn’t add anything new. My own theory is that it was a chance for the production company to ramp up its exposure of Depp, who is the wind in the sails of all three “Pirates” installments.

None of the afore-mentioned problems would be so bad in a tightly edited movie. But the third “Pirates” hurtles over the seas for nearly three hours. Cutting 30 minutes would have been a courtesy to viewers.

And, for those who hoped for a tidy ending, another disappointment: True to Hollywood form, “Pirates” leaves wide open the door for additional sequels.

The first “Pirates” was amusing, the second was OK, the third was simply not good. With that track record, I hope the studio resists temptation to unearth the “Pirates” treasure chest again.

••••

While I am in “rant” mode: What is the deal with strawberries? They seem to have become at least two sizes bigger than they ever used to be. Earlier this week, I bought a quart of berries that included one nearly as large as a peach.

That just isn’t right.

I suspect – but don’t know – that there’s some growing or marketing advantage to producing gigantic berries. But I’d much prefer to have the reasonably sized homegrown kind.

Journal publisher Dave Churchill’s column runs on Fridays.