Mourning the loss of a loved one differs from person to person

By Karin Haugrud | The Daily Journal

Published Saturday, March 10, 2007

As a Senior LinkAge Line Specialist, I take calls from lots of different people. I got a call last week from a caller that calls me on a fairly regular basis.

It had been a few months since “Mary” had called me so I was happy to hear the sound of her voice.

“How have you been?” I asked her. She recounted what she had been doing the last few months. Then with a sigh, she confided how she had missed her late husband. “It’s been almost nine months and it’s just hitting me now that he’s gone,” she said to me.

Losing a loved one — whether it is anticipated or unexpected is always traumatic.

This is especially true with the death of a spouse. The transition from wife to widow, husband to widower is a very real, painful loss. The trauma of trying to adjust to this new identity while being besieged with a multitude of urgent questions and decisions can be overwhelming.

The grieving process that follows the death of a loved one may last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years or more. This process often follows a common pattern in many people, although certain stages or phases of grief may overlap or repeat or not always follow the same course. Each family member who goes through the grieving process will heal in her or his own way.

Be aware that you may experience a range of emotions. Your reactions to death may cover a wide and confusing range of emotions such as shock, numbness, anger, pain and yearning. It may help to think of grief as clusters of reactions that overlap one another.

Shock and numbness is the minds way of protecting itself when first faced with a great loss. This is how your body instinctively reacts to pain. You may also experience some of the following physical sensations: tightness in the chest or throat, difficulty breathing, irritability, muscle weakness, lack of energy, and trouble sleeping or eating.

During the searching and yearning phase the individual goes through separation anxiety and may yearn for the deceased. You may search for an answer why your loved one died and be preoccupied with what you did or didn’t do to cause the death.

Depression and loneliness are a part of the next phase. You may feel tired and run down, sad, disoriented and helpless.

You may have trouble getting into your normal routine. The bereaved person frequently receives little social support because others assume that the grieving period is over, even though you still need reassurance and understanding. Somehow you slowly begin to get back on your feet and accept your loss.

Acceptance is the final phase of grieving. You begin to function at home and work with increased self-esteem and confidence.

You begin to have renewed energy and the loss of your loved one no longer dominates your thoughts. You find yourself resuming activities and social contacts, laughing with friends and making plans for the future.

One of the myths about mourning is that it has an ending point, that if you wait long enough, it suddenly stops hurting. It doesn’t. Mourning is a natural and personal process that only you can pace. It cannot be rushed. If at anytime you have concerns about what you are feeling, either emotionally or physically, talk to your doctor about them.

The Senior LinkAge Line makes it easy for older adults and their families to find services in their community. Call the Senior LinkAge at 800-333-2433 to speak with an information specialist, or check out our website at MinnesotaHelp.info.

Karin Haugrud is a Senior LinkAge Line specialist with Land of the Dancing Sky-West Central, 313 south Mill Street in