Ease Your HoliDAZE

Diane Peterson

Published Monday, November 17, 2008

List: Buy and wrap the presents, unbox the decorations, bake the bars, clean the toilets, find the manger, replace burned out lights, make the fruit bread, read bedtime stories, vacuum the entire house, sign and send cards, clean toilets, make Grandma’s turkey stuffing. Accomplish everything and enjoy the season without getting into the annual holiDAZE.

Rest, relaxation and enjoyment of those close to us rarely appear on a woman’s ‘To Do’ list, especially between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Eve. Instead we feel obligated to decorate elaborately, entertain often, bake until we are pale because we are covered in flour and buy every item on our children’s “Santa list.” By Dec. 24, exhaustion has set in and our fantasy may have become as simple as sleeping through the family celebration.

“The holiday season tends to add ‘great expectations’ to already busy schedules, said Lakeland Mental Health Center child psychologist, Denise Wilson of Fergus Falls. “Because we are so busy already, adding more tasks without additional time to complete them can become overwhelming. Many feel pressured to decorate perfectly, host the perfect party or spend more than they can afford. Some people do not have pleasant memories of the holidays while others aren’t able to be with loved ones or feel obligated to comply with unwanted invitations,” Wilson said. “It’s no wonder that we see an increase in emergency cases between Christmas and New Year’s.”

Retired teacher Sharon Carlson once taught community education classes on removing stress from the holidays. She said, “The perfect Christmas celebration seems to be our goal. Even the most carefully thought out celebration is subject to the same ebb and flow as everyday living! Realistically, total perfection is impossible. Believing that will happen can result in disappointment. I suggest you think about your last Christmas and rate it from 1 – 4, one being the best, most enjoyable and relaxing celebration with four being stressful, tiring and/or not the happiest time together.”

Take just a few moments to think about your upcoming holidays. Realizing what is most important to you and to your family, including how much time there is to make it happen, could result in a more realistic and enjoyable time together.

Many women overestimate the time they have available for holiday projects. Like their mothers before them, they tend to be the planners, the shoppers and decorators, the gift-wrappers, the bakers, the hostesses and the housecleaners. If the celebration doesn’t feel right, too hectic or superficial, if family problems erupt, they often feel they are to blame.

When women think of all they have to accomplish at Christmas, they may wish they had an extra two weeks. So, “let’s get real” and find out how much extra time we really have. Take the following lifestyle inventory to get an idea of how busy you are before you add on holiday responsibilities. Mentally circle the statements which apply to you.

I’m employed full-time. I’m employed part-time. I have young children who are not yet in school or daycare. I have children in school or daycare. I’m a student. I’m a single parent. I have extended family obligations. I am primarily responsible for managing the household. I have additional commitments in church, school, volunteer work, children’s activities, classes.

As a general rule, I can count on _______ hours of free time a day. To take time to prepare for the holidays, I usually take time from: _____________ .

Now, select what you enjoy doing most during the holidays, remembering there is no right or wrong answer! I love to decorate. I entertain often. Baking lots of goodies appeals to me. Being with family that we don’t see often is a highlight. I want to concentrate on: ______________.

For example: If decorating your home is something you enjoy the most and baking cookies is a chore, then eliminate some stress by concentrating on the decorations and buy goodies at local church or school bake sales or a bakery department at the grocery store. If you just want to have fun and enjoy extended family, then don’t labor over cooking the meal. Ask everyone to bring a dish to pass thus freeing up time to visit. If they bring a bowl of baked beans or a plate of lefse, they will certainly help cleaning dishes so they can have a relaxing time with you. Determine your most loved activities and concentrate on doing them, eliminating or simplifying the others.

KIDS: Denise Wilson shares the following advice: “ ‘Keep it simple’ especially applies to children. Do yourself and your children a favor by keeping the routines going during the holidays. Lack of sleep and proper nutrition makes everyone irritable. Why set yourself and the family up at a time when you will be able to spend more time together?”

The parent of a young son, Shelley was shocked when her son handed her a list of 60 gift items he wanted from Santa. As she thought it over, she realized she had been spending so much time preparing for the holidays in the evenings after work, that, left to his own devices, her son was spending more time each night in front of the TV…which is filled with commercials relating to children’s dreams as the holidays draw closer. Altering her activities, Shelley began spending some time playing and reading with her son with the TV silenced. She also talked to him about the realistic gifts her son might look forward to long before they were unwrapped. Being honest with your children and their expectations helps set the stage for less disappointment. Dr. Patricia Love, director of the Austin Family Institute, states that what children really want most is love and time with their parents, and not just on Christmas Day. “Giving attention conveys this simple but profound message, ‘You are important in my life,’ ” she said.

Children also like to feel part of the holiday preparations. You can make baking simple by purchasing refrigerator cookie dough. One mother shared that she had become preoccupied with making perfect Christmas cookies and did not allow her children to take part. When she realized that they would enjoy being a part of the cookie tradition, she simply purchased frosting in tubes and sprinkles. “You’d better believe those cookies had frosting,” she laughed. “They looked terrible. They tasted terrible. But they were great!”

Or, you can involve the kids by opening cards together. One family began this simple tradition: Each day, the unopened cards are placed in the center of the Advent wreath. After dinner, all three children choose cards to open and read the cards to the entire family. This tradition costs nothing, involves no preparation time, and teaches the children more about the special people in their family’s lives.

The holidays can be an extra challenge for families who have recently experienced a divorce or loss of a loved one. “The loss of a loved one is difficult. Give yourself permission to do only what is most important to you and those closest to you,” suggested Denni Wilson. “Take time to talk things over, make a plan and follow it. Don’t be afraid to say ‘No’ to additional requests. Remember, if someone offers to help you, it’s okay. Friends want to help. Celebrating the lives of your loved ones by talking and sharing stories about them or journaling can be helpful.”

If you have experienced a recent divorce, remember that a good Christmas is in reach and that married people are not exempt from problems during the holidays, either. A necessary first step is to accept the fact that yours is not a ‘traditional’ family at Christmas. You need to believe – and demonstrate – that your new family is capable of growing and loving and having fun during the holidays just the way it is! If your children will also be spending time with your ex-spouse during the holidays, you may want to make those arrangements well in advance so everyone will know how to plan. Positive attitudes by both are extremely important. And, if visiting arrangements can become traditions, the children may gain a sense of security.

Unfortunately problems do not disappear at Christmas. They may intensify. Depression may feed on itself. You may want to try being with some special friends or favorite relatives who care and make you feel happy. Make an effort to be more physically active. Physical activity aids in the production of endorphins, mood-elevating chemicals produced by the body. Take a walk, go to the gym or get out in the country. Set one or two specific and manageable goals each day…write a letter or clean out a closet. The feeling of accomplishment will add to your sense of well-being.

More and more of us miss family and friends who are serving in the armed forces. “Use all the available technology and share as much of your holidays as possible,” Denise Wilson suggests. “Reach out to others in similar circumstances…there’s no need for empty chairs at your table!”

MEN: (Yes, we know you are reading this!) Think back to last December. Mentally scan the list of activities that you weren’t involved in, adding any that are not on this list: Decorating the house. Decorating the tree. Shopping for gifts. Making gifts. Wrapping gifts. Entertaining. Going to Christmas performances. Holiday activities with your children. Holiday activities at work. Religious activities at home or at work. Charitable activities. Music. Bill paying. Now think about which of those activities gave you the most and least pleasure.

You’ve heard this many times, but we’ll say it again: “One of the biggest stresses of Christmas is paying the bills in the New Year!” Talk together, plan out a budget and try your best to stick to it. If you know you have ‘X’ dollars to spend, you may be less compulsive in your shopping! A budget may actually be a relief!

Whose birthday is it, anyway? Giving birthday gifts is a tradition. Give the gift of ourselves and our time to those who are in worse situations. Sharing our time at church, school or to local charities may be one of the biggest blessings we could experience this Christmas season. I believe it is important to remember that we are really getting ready to celebrate the birth of Jesus during the Advent season.

Use any or all of the above suggestions to help remove the DAZE from the dazzle and truly enjoy the love of family and friends and the true meaning of your upcoming holidays!

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