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Playing chicken with our city
Published 09:46 a.m., June 17, 2009
Although those who drafted Fergus Falls’ proposed chicken ordinance were probably just trying to tread lightly, it turns out that they have hit on a brilliant idea for crafting a perfectly quiet and clean city: Let no one do anything unless every neighboring property owner approves.
If it gets eventual City Council approval, the new ordinance would allow a dozen residents to keep chickens under various restrictive conditions – provided that no neighbor objects. This should be known henceforth as the Chicken System – not just because it lets elected officials tacitly escape blame for doing something, but because it is chickens that have pioneered this new way of organizing our community.
Imagine, if you will, how much more pleasant it would be if the Chicken System could be applied to Harleys and other noisy motorcycles: No one would be allowed to operate a Harley within city limits unless all neighbors approve. Because almost no one enjoys being wakened at 6 a.m. on Saturday when a midlife crisis-fueled 50-something guy decides to take his Hog out for spin, noisy motorcycles would soon be a thing of the past.
After all, isn’t the countryside the best place for motorcycles?
Gasoline-powered lawn mowers are nearly as annoying. Since it is so difficult to keep mowing confined to business hours on weekdays, maybe neighbors could vote out mowers that get used on lovely evenings. People with jobs could just move out to the country, where 24-hour mowing is still allowed.
But there’s no need to limit our restrictions simply to noise. City council members indicated, as they debated the Chicken System, that they are concerned about cleanliness. It’s hard to imagine anything that makes more of a mess than those cottonwood-type trees that blow fuzzy white stuff all over the place during June. And the trees – are they our last few elms? – that drop small, round seed pods into the wind are nearly as bad. Speaking of wind, any given tree could tip right over onto a neighbor’s car during a storm. Can we really accept that risk here? Perhaps neighbors should be allowed to veto tree-planting. It would make our city so much tidier.
Then there is the problem of Other People’s Children. Everyone knows that their own kids are little angels, but OPCs – the ones that jump, bike, shout, cry, climb trees, throw balls through windows, run across yards, drop candy wrappers and generally act like kids – well, perhaps a little neighborly approval should be required. Otherwise, anyone who wants kids can just move on out to the country.
Why, there’s really no reason not to keep extending the Chicken System to everything that has a slight risk of annoying someone: Smoking in backyards, parking on the street in residential neighborhoods, having a picnic, working on your car, holding a garage sale. The countryside is a much more appropriate place for all of those activities.
If we could just apply the Chicken System broadly, Fergus Falls would be a perfect city – a city without risk of noise, muss, fuss or dirt. Of course, it would also be a tiny little city, because almost nobody would want to live here. But, hey, that’s OK. People are so noisy and messy – best to keep them out in the country.
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