Wouldn’t life be easier if we were all bald

By Jeff Hage (Contact) | The Daily Journal

Published 12:00 p.m., November 6, 2009

Every six to eight weeks or so I wander into the barber shop and every six or eight weeks it’s the same old thing.

The barber spins the chair around so I’m facing the mirror. Then, with another mirror behind my head, she pops the question.

“How’s it look?” she’ll always be sure to ask. At that point my heart drops to my knees as depression sets in. Why? Because what I see looks terrible!

You see, when I visit the barber it’s the only time I get a close-up view of that ever-receding hairline and that new feature where the hair has quit growing near the back of my head.

My barber knows what I’m talking about.

Well, when I left barbershop Saturday I began thinking--and that always gets me in trouble. Wouldn’t life be so much easier if we were all bald.

Think about the amount of time, money and effort we would save. While you may not be a Brill-Cream king or an Aqua-Net queen, you would have to admit that baldness would eliminate a lot of hassle.

The days of bad hair days, split ends and blonde jokes would be gone forever. So would those guys who sweep their few remaining strands of hair across the top of their heads to distract us from the glare-and we wouldn’t care because we’d all have that glare.

Low self esteem from hair mishaps would be a thing of the past. The “receding at 23” guys and the “gonna dye my roots” gals would evolve from being embarrassed and depressed. We’d all be proud as a cue ball.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “Wait a minute Jeff, I’d look WEIRD if I were bald!”

While that might be true, everybody else would be bald, too, so you would look as normal (or abnormal) as you do now.

Don’t worry though. I’m sure our commercial system would come up with some form of accessory to help us beautify our gleaming heads. I see a skyrocketing hat industry, scalp dye, head stickers and even wrap-around designs straight from your favorite tatoo parlor. Speaking of tatoos, maybe someone would invent a two-year scalp tatoo.

That way one could wear Barney the Dinosaur on their scalp when they are five, some rock band in the teen years and something more magnificient and permanent during the grown-up years.

The options are limitless.

There would probably be hundreds of thirty-minute info-mercials with messages like this: “Yes, folks, call now and for ONLY $19.95 you can receive a year’s supply of MELON WAX! Act now and you’ll be a head above the rest.”

What would be some of the benefits to a hairless society? We would save a mint on shampoo, haircuts, hairspray, those things my wife calls “scrunchies” and, in the case of some of my friends, Rogaine.

The time commitment to your personal routine would be shaved considerably.

Imagine a life with no washing, brushing, curling, moussing, gelling.

I’ll admit, there are a few disadvantages to this theory of mine, as well. You can perm straight hair to make yourself look better or to fill out some of those thinning spots, but what would we do for a bumpy scalp?

Also, there is lots to be said for the warmth of hair in the dead of a Minnesota winter, but to prepare I’m going to buy a new jacket with a hood.

Those would be very fair trade-offs however, for never again would we have to hear that guy say “I’m not just a customer, I’m the president” when talking about the Hair Club for Men.

And with any luck at all we’d never again have to see that guy from Ronco sporting his “spray-on hair” in a can on cable TV at three in the morning.

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