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Be careful, you’ll get us elected yet
Published Monday, May 5, 2008
As quietly as possible, the tall, dark man and the platinum blonde lady were ushered into the unlighted, smoke-filled room. They remained standing as they turned their heads right to face a panel of men whose bearing indicated they existed for a very long time. Over the heads of the men was a statue of an elephant, flanked by portraits of former presidents Herbert Hoover and Rutherford B. Hayes.
“Mr. O. and Mrs. C., welcome,” said the man in the center, whose voice was quiet but very authoritative. “You have been doing a magnificent job for our cause. If this continues, our man will be elected, and you will be rewarded extremely well. We LOVE the way you do battle over everything. You keep attacking each other, so people will vote for John instead. He at least seems like a nice guy.”
“Then….we are doing… alright?,” said Mr. O., with uncharacteristic humility. The men on the panel laughed heartily, but stopped for the man in the center to speak. “Alright?,” he said. “Yes, you are VERY alright. You’re so indignant in your speeches that you’re inspiring increasing dislike in many people. Of course, there are still many who think you hung the moon, but just keep on doing exactly what you’ve been doing and those people will learn to dislike you, too.”
“Associating bitterness with guns and religion was a brilliant way of turning two groups of people off,” said another panelist. “And speaking as though people should be concerned about the price of arugula--rather than milk and bread--worked very well for our cause, too. Ordinary people hear things like that and they think, ‘He’s not our kind of guy.’”
“Was it okay that I brought in my pastor?” said Mr. O., a bit fearfully.
There was mass laughter from the panel. “We LOVE your pastor, said the man in the middle. “Ordinary people question his patriotism and dislike him, so we love him. We like the way you defended him, then denounced him. It makes you look like you don‘t know what you’re doing, in spite of your confident voice. More people will be hesitant to vote for you now. We’ve put your pastor on our payroll. When things get rough for us, we can book him for a major speech and watch John’s ratings rise.”
“Was it okay that my husband helped?,” asked Mrs. C., with an apprehensive voice.
More mass laughter. “Mrs. C., your husband is always good with words,” said the man in the middle. “This time, he was working to make people dislike him, and he succeeded beyond anyone’s expectations. They’re also getting to dislike you by association. From our perspective, that’s great.”
“Is my performance--if you can call it that--adequate?,” Mrs. C. asked, with her patented wide eyes.
Louder laughter than ever. “Mrs. C, you are FANTASTIC, said a man on the right end of the panel. You seem like an absolute airhead. Mr. O. says something indignant and you start babbling out-of-it things. That really comes natural to you. It makes people laugh at your ad about responding to a 3 a.m. phone call.”
“What else can we do for you,” asked Mr. O., humbly.
“Hey, just keep on what your doing,” said the man in the middle. “Keep saying indignant things that make you look like a snobbish aristocrat, Mr. O. Keep that pastor criticizing the United States. Mrs. C, keep up the dingbat act. Keep your husband saying weird things. Mr. O. You’ll get John in the White House yet.”
“Just in case we need to do something else, do you have any other plans in mind?,” asked Mrs. C.?
“Yes, as a matter of fact, said the man in the middle of the panel. We have another person we can bring into the campaign.”
“Who?,” anxiously asked Mrs. C.
“You probably won’t like this,” said the main in the middle, “Her name is Monica.”
Jerry Barney is a Fergus Falls native. He is a former newspaper editor in Otter Tail County.
Comments
The Daily Journal is happy to host community conversations about news and life in Fergus Falls and the surrounding area. As hosts, we expect guests will show respect for each other. That means we don't threaten or defame each other, and we keep conversations free of personal attacks. Witty is great. Abusive is not. If you think a post violates these standards, don't escalate the situation. Instead, flag the comment to alert us. We'll take action if necessary. It's not hard. This should be a place where people want to read and contribute -- a place for spirited exchanges of opinion. So those who persist with racist, defamatory or abusive postings risk losing the privilege to post at all.Posted by tomsmom (anonymous) on May 5, 2008 at 1:29 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Considering that McCain criticized Minnesota for "wasteful spending" which he claims lead to the collapse of the I-35 bridge and has proposed to repeal federal gas taxes over the summer holiday season (a percentage of road repairs are subsidized by the federal government), I wouldn't be too worried about him winning the presidency.
Posted by jafo (anonymous) on May 6, 2008 at 12:01 a.m. (Suggest removal)
The Democrats are in a dogfight for the nomination... that's for sure. The press is eating it up, and making big stories out of ridiculous things that have no bearing on anything... much like this article... soundbyte journalism. Was it supposed to be funny?? Well, whatever. Soon enough, Obama will get the nomination, and then we get to see what John McCain has to offer. That, would be more of the same. McCain has plenty of "real" negatives in his history... it will be interesting to see how the press handles that.
Obama '08
Posted by Timray18 (anonymous) on May 6, 2008 at 9:56 a.m. (Suggest removal)
The whole campaign between Obama and Clinton brings back the memories of Orwell's 1937 book "The Road to Wigan Pier" and the term "limousine liberal". I am also reminded that with the exception of this year more people were on food stamps during the Clinton era. I am also cognizant of the fact that Democrats having come to power in 2006 has lead to a crisis in fuel and food. McCain shows little leadership here either. We are sitting on energy independence but the stupidity of Congress has kept us from exercising by tapping into our own oil reserves. Solar power , by most prognosticators, is a decade away and only a fool would believe the manufacturers will not move the technology to Chinese factories. Even now solar is very expensive. Biofuels are years away and nuclear technology is shunned and subject to mountains of bureaucratic
bungling. Environ-mental-less bemoan nuclear storage as dangerous while palaeontologist's are digging up species locked in the earth for hundreds of million years. We have to listen to endorsements from the likes of John Travolta decrying SUVs and owning 5 private jets. Brad and Joline flying into Los Angeles for jury duty. This year's field of candidates is a joke and the problem....we will have to vote for our favorite joke.
Posted by thethinker (anonymous) on May 6, 2008 at 11:31 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Timray....well heck: I like what you said and I agree. We again get the priviledge of electing a moron to sit in the Oval Office. Let's look at the 3 choices (briefly):
OBAMA: anyone who lets the whole Rev. Wright thing slide as not applicable is ignorant of the power of faith. The deepest held beliefs humans have are religious. Obama was a member for 20 years, had his kids baptised by this guy and was wed before him. To say he didn't recall any outrageous remarks by Wright shows he thinks americans are stupid and would actually believe that. I would suggest Obama supporters read any Black Liberation Theology books (try looking up Dr. Cone as he has written a few), and then tell me Obama is fine. He also has the least experience of the 3.
HILLARY: well, not enough space to write about her. Let's just say she will say anything - I mean anything (Sniper fire? Brought peace to Kosovo? Was significant in the Northern Ireland resolution? 35 years of experience?), to get elected. Then she will say she didn't say it....or was tired...or doesn't recall saying it. Typical politician for sure but aren't they all?
MCCAIN: I believe he actually voted for Washington. OK, just a joke. His position on IRAQ is simply wrong. With the economy in shambles the US needs to spend more $$ right here instead of wasting it on a war for oil. Yes, a war for oil or something not connected to any WMD's. And his flipflop on immigration? Jeesh.....
So I say we all vote for Mickey Mouse. If Mickey gains 1/3 of the popular vote in november maybe the politicos will give us better choices in 2012.
Posted by Mel (anonymous) on May 7, 2008 at 10:37 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Vote for Ron Paul not mickey mouse.
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